How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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