I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize