Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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