Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
