The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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