my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
