I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
