all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
