So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize