Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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