What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you win again, gameday.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize