i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
