So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
It's rum buckets o'clock
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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