If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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