I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
