i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
