textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
