I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
