My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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