Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
