there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
40s are totally the cure
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
