Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
