Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
