i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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