I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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