about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize