apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Randomize