I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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