I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
