He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
