no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
