I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
