There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
