i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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