i can't believe i had my finger in that
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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