GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
a search helicopter?!
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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