There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
