I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Pants are for mortals
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
