lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
