and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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