I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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