Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
