closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Randomize