Define "chronic" masturbator.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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