Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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