I will die if light touches me.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
