I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Is it penis luge time yet?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
