Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
