y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
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