Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize