Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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