Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
