I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
