If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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