I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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