You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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