I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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