This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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