I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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