I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
