I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
