Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
