I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
