Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
