i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
