This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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