Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
