I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
