You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
