I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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