I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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